Nothing can necessarily prepare you for someone dying. But in the event of a long illness or anticipated death, there may be things you can do to feel more in control when the time comes. In this blog, we share some advice on ways to prepare for an anticipated death.
Eight ways to prepare for an anticipated death
1. Take note of the person’s important information
If you can, ask your person where certain important documents are. You might check whether they have any safes, lockboxes or hiding places you need to know about.
A lot of information is now held digitally; you might ask your person to give you access to their phone or computer login details, so you have them if you need them.
If the person’s phone is set to unlock from their fingerprint, you could also get their permission to change this over to a passcode to allow others to access the phone.
On iPhones, it is now possible to set up a ‘legacy contact’ that allows another person to receive access to all the data on a person’s phone in the event of their death. Google allows you to create an ‘Inactive Account Manager’ that gives access to a person’s data once the account has become inactive for a certain period of time. Social media channels like Facebook and Instagram also have options that allow you to delete channels or convert them into memorial pages after someone has died.
2. Make a plan for sharing news of the death
Consider who is going to notify whom when the time comes. You might also make decisions about how to communicate the news, for instance via text, phone call or via social media channels. Sharing news of a death can be an exhausting thing to do - can you share or delegate this with others? If you’ve decided who is going to tell whom and how ahead of time, you have less thinking to do when the death has happened. Read more on how to share news of a death.
3. Organise the finances
Death is expensive! Understanding what bank accounts exist and whether they are accessible, or would be in the event of the person’s death, can reduce stress related to finances. You may be able to set up a joint account with the person which would allow you to easily access a pot of money for post-death costs.
4. Talk about the funeral
If you can, talk with the person who is dying about the kind of funeral they would like. It isn’t always easy to have these conversations, but it may help the funeral planning process if you know what the person’s wishes were. If it isn’t possible to have this conversation, we have some advice on what to do when you don’t know someone’s funeral wishes.
You might also explore this between those of you who will be organising the funeral. What kind of funeral would help you to say goodbye?
5. Take photos, videos or voice recordings of ordinary moments
So many conversations and events can feel mundane at the time – but capturing a chat or a quiet moment with your person by photo, video or voice recording can offer you something precious to look back on when they aren’t here anymore. It can also be a good prompt to spend some simple, gentle time together, if that is possible.
6. Take time to think about how you want the moment of their death to be
Ultimately, we can’t control how or when someone will die. However, it could be helpful to consider the different scenarios that could take place.
Is your person in a hospital or hospice? If they die in the night, you might consider whether you would want to be notified immediately, or whether you’d rather get a phone call in the morning. If you intend to be by the person’s side when they die, what does that look like? And can you prepare yourself for the possibility that they could die when you aren’t there – even if you’ve just popped out for a coffee?
You might also think about the things you always wanted to say to the person. Are there things you’d like to say - whether or not they are able to hear you?
If possible, you could ask the person if they would like to listen to a particular piece of music, eat or drink something special or perhaps be surrounded by a favourite aroma when the time approaches. Small comforts can make a big difference for the person in that moment - and for you, too.
It can be a tough thing to think about, but preparing yourself mentally for the ways the death might unfold, and what you’d ideally like to happen in each scenario, can support you to feel more in control in the moment.
7. Think about food
Fill your cupboards with food. You could cook and freeze some meals so that you have something to pop in the microwave later, when you may not have the energy or desire to cook.
In the days following a death, you may find the home is busier than usual. Getting in some cakes or biscuits ahead of time means you have something to offer people when they call round to offer their sympathies.
8. Plan something nice for yourself immediately afterwards
However this death will affect you, it is always a good idea to do something kind and caring for yourself. Whether that’s a long walk, a night away, a game of golf, or simply a coffee with a caring friend – whatever works for you.
With a funeral to plan and other ‘death admin’ going on, taking care of yourself can easily slip to the bottom of the list of priorities. On the other hand, you may find you suddenly have more time on your hands, especially if you have been nursing the person. Having plans, no matter how gentle, can feel supportive and grounding in the days and weeks following a death.
Every death is unique and affects each of us differently. There is no right way to prepare for a death. Some of these suggestions may feel helpful to you; others may not, but we hope this article has given you something to consider.
Read more on the Poppy’s blog. Find tips on leading a funeral service yourself, read our step by step guide to planning a funeral, or read our grief and bereavement resources
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