Six minute read
Providing a welcoming place where you can visit a friend or family member after they have died is one of the most important things we offer at Poppy’s.
Not everyone will want to visit. But, for many people, visiting provides an opportunity to come to terms with someone’s death and to say goodbye.
In our experience, people often have lots of questions about visits. In this blog, we answer some of the most common ones.
Is it normal to visit a person who has died?
Yes, we have people of all ages and backgrounds who visit friends or family members. Just give us a call, and we’ll arrange a time for your visit.
You may have been told before that you can’t visit someone — maybe because of how they died or because they haven’t been embalmed. This is not the case at Poppy’s. We will never stand in your way if you want to visit your person, and we will prepare you gently for what to expect.
What will the person who has died look like? Will their appearance have changed?
When we bring your person into our care, our team will give you a call to let you know they have arrived safely at Poppy's. We will also tell you how they look, especially if they died in hospital, or if the coroner has been involved.
On the day of your visit, we will take time to make sure they are looking their best. We may have asked you to provide a photo of the person so we can help them to look like ‘themselves’. Then, when you arrive, we will explain to you clearly and thoughtfully how they look and if their appearance has changed.
What happens on a visit?
This is entirely up to you. You can wash, dress or do the hair of the person who has died. We can help with this if you would like. Drink, food, candles, creative projects and music are all welcome.
You may want to spend the visit decorating the coffin or arranging flowers. Or you may simply want to talk to or sit with the person who has died, whether with a closed or open coffin. Whatever feels right for you.
One family brought a cream tea to have in the Friends and Family room with their mother present in her coffin. One woman spent each visit singing to her partner who'd died. It was extremely moving to hear from outside the room, knowing that she felt safe and supported enough to do this.
Will the person be in their coffin when I visit?
The person may be in an open coffin or resting on calico on a tray. If you have given us something to keep with them (such as clothing, a blanket, keepsakes, flowers or jewellery), they will have these items with them.
Let us know if you want to add anything else during the visit, so we can make sure these items can be safely cremated or accommodated in the coffin.
How long can I visit for?
Each visit is for up to an hour, but you don’t have to stay for the full length of the visit.
Can I touch the person?
Yes. You can touch them or hold their hand if you wish. You can still hold someone’s hand if the rest of their body is entirely covered.
Where does the visit take place?
Our beautiful old chapel mortuary in Tooting has a private Friends and Family room for you to use. There are comfortable chairs and the room has its own loo.
When you arrive for your visit, come through the Lambeth Cemetery gates and you’ll find our main office directly on your right. Knock on our bright orange front door and you’ll be greeted by a member of our team. When you are ready, a member of our mortuary team will come to meet with you and bring you across to our welcoming Friends and Family Room.
If we collected your person from home or a care home, you may even have already met a couple of members of our friendly team.
"For some families, it can feel quite reassuring to see that familiar face,” says Angie, our deputy mortuary manager.
What should I choose for my person to wear?
Whether you want your person to wear their best suit, glitziest gown or their comfiest pyjamas - it’s entirely up to you.
“A family recently told us ‘Dad was a keen gardener, so we don’t want him in his best suit - we want him in his gardening clothes’,” says Angie.
We always want to make sure your person looks their best in the clothes that you have chosen. Sometimes we will make careful adjustments to clothing to ensure that the person can wear the things that you want them to wear, bearing in mind their physical condition. If this is the case, we will talk this through with you. Alternatively, we can place their favourite clothes in the coffin with them.
Can I visit with someone else?
Yes, up to six people can fit in our Friends and Family room at any one time.
What if I change my mind or feel unsure about visiting once I arrive?
You can change your mind at any time and you don’t have to see the person at all if you don’t want to. If the person is in their coffin we can put the lid back on for your visit if you prefer. We can remove it again later in the visit if you change your mind.
You can have a breath of fresh air outside or wait outside the room in the lobby whenever you need to during the visit.
Angie talks about supporting someone to visit their parent: “They asked me to come into the Friends and Family room with them. We just sat and chatted, until she felt that she could be in there alone.
"I was the person who collected the person from home when they died. I felt a real connection to the family and was privileged to support them during the visit.”
Read more about what happens at a home collection
Can I visit someone who has died from an infectious disease?
It is absolutely fine to visit someone who has died from an infectious disease.
We will make gloves and masks available to wear if you choose to, but it’s totally up to you - whatever will make you feel most comfortable.
Will it be scary or upsetting to visit?
Some people worry that they will find the visit frightening or upsetting. But we have found that by preparing you for the visit, answering any questions you have and taking things at your pace, a visit can be a positive, healing experience.
Is it okay for children to visit?
We have found that children value visits as much as adults do. With the right preparation, they are often less anxious about visiting than adults may be.
If you are choosing a cardboard coffin for your person, another great way to involve children is to involve them in decorating the coffin.
Are there any circumstances in which a visit wouldn’t be possible?
If you opt for our full, flexible support or for a simple cremation, then we will do everything we can to make it possible for you to visit if you wish. We cannot offer visits if you choose a direct cremation. Find out more about the different options available.
For example, we offered visits throughout the Covid-19 pandemic. We also offer visits for clients who are having a simple cremation. In fact, other funeral directors, who don’t offer these services sometimes refer people to us.
We give you information about what to expect — but the decision to visit is always yours. Amy, one of our funeral directors, explains why this matters so much.
“A woman came to visit her sister in our Friends and Family room. Her sister had scoliosis and her body was curled over, and couldn’t be straightened out. The hospital was concerned about this and said that she couldn’t visit, but her sister didn’t want to see her looking any different from how she’d looked in life.
"She came out of the visit so grateful, saying that her sister had looked calm, peaceful and beautiful, just how she remembered her. She was so glad she’d come.”
Read more about what happens on a Poppy’s collection and what it’s really like working in a mortuary.
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