This is Life Lessons From Death, the newsletter from Poppy's founder, Poppy Mardall. This content first appeared on LinkedIn.
Hello and welcome to Life Lessons from Death, a newsletter for people and organisations curious to know what death can teach us about living and working well.
In our professional and personal lives, change is a constant and endings are a part of life. We can fight this – and lots of us try to - or we can learn to ride it. If we can ride it, we will find that every ending holds the seeds of something new, the chance to learn and grow.
As Founder of London funeral directors Poppy's, I’ve had more than a decade of insights from death, and it has transformed me. Now I want to invite you behind the scenes so you can learn too.
This week, I'm noticing the little death lessons all around us, I'm inviting you to enrich your life by visiting a mortuary and I'm thinking more about the mind-bending concept of 'griefbots'.
I post updates fortnightly so please do subscribe and share widely.
Losing a Tooth
Yesterday, after days of 'will it, won't it?', my 6 year old son's wobbly tooth finally popped out during the school day. I think primary school teachers must be natural ritualists. The tooth came out of his pocket lovingly wrapped in kitchen towel sealed with masking tape, a tooth shroud if ever I saw one.
This might be the 25th tooth my kids have lost between them in the last five years? And each time the rest of our family responds in the same way: 'Wow! That's so exciting!'. Then we ask to gawp at the gap in his gums and we 'ooh' and 'aah' at the chasm from whence it came.
Like a lot of families dabbling with capitalism, ritual and spirituality, I put the tooth in a box under his pillow and he falls asleep hoping to find a pound in the morning.
We celebrate these moments as a rite of passage, a marker of getting older, of progress.
But there is another lesson here if you want to notice it, and I do. Before I put the tooth in the box I take a good long look at it. And these are the thoughts that pass through my head:
🦷 Teeth are AMAZING. This tiny, fallen milk tooth got my kid through five or so years of eating which is something like 5000 meals. This tooth helped him smile and speak. It also worked as a weapon of attack when life wasn't going his way.
🦷 Teeth die before they fall out. Looking at it carefully, this tooth is a husk of what it once was. The root, through which life for the tooth is sustained, which in full health is bigger than the tooth itself, is no more. Only that razor sharp jagged edge along the top remains. This tooth, which was once a beast of a thing, is now dead and gone.
🦷 Losing teeth is gory. Of all the bodily, visceral bits of parenting, teeth falling out (for me) BY FAR outstrips everything else in terms of pure blood and gore. My goodness, it can be a horror film in there when a tooth is on its way out. Why the hell didn't they cover this in antenatal classes?!
❤️ The body is a visceral thing and it shows us many 'mini deaths' if we choose to recognise them as such. There are endings and beginnings in our bodies every day, week, month and year. If we notice them, it can be a chance to think about that and gently acclimatise ourselves to the reality that we are part of nature, that our time here is temporary and precious.
After my son fell asleep last night, I rested my head on the edge of his bed and thought these things: you are beautiful, you are here right now, you are no longer a baby, you will one day be gone, one day I will be gone, we are both here now, hot blood pumping through our bodies. I am so in love with you. I am so grateful to be here with you. Losing the tooth, recognising loss and change in the moment, gave me the chance to feel those things.
Are there regular little losses that you notice that work like this for you? I'd love to hear about them.
Come Visit Poppy's Mortuary!
Twice a year we at Poppy's open the doors of our mortuary to anyone and everyone interested to meet our team, ask questions and learn more about how we work. The next opportunity is coming up on Wednesday 15 October at 2pm. You can find out more and sign up here.
Does that sound strange? To want to come behind the scenes at a mortuary? Well, we don't think it is. We're aiming for a world where:
It's normal to want to know what great care for someone who has died might look like.
It's wise to think ahead and plan for what you want for yourself and the people you love.
It's natural to be curious about the thing that will happen to all of us.
It's reassuring to meet the kind, thoughtful people who care so beautifully when someone we love has died.
In the past, we've welcomed journalists, nurses, doctors, carers, end of life doulas, celebrants, lawyers and mostly, just interested members of the public, to come behind the scenes to find out about this very democratic moment in our lives.
I hope this speaks to you. If so, don't miss the chance to see what is possible when this work is done well. And please do spread the word to others who might be interested 🙏
Could Griefbots Be Helpful?
More in the news on the rise of 'griefbots' which combine AI technology and personal assets like voice-notes, video, emails, texts and social media to create a digital version of your dead person so you can have a conversation with 'them'.
Like a lot of things 'AI', the technology seems to be dividing people pretty sharply into 'I think it could be helpful' vs 'absolutely not, no way, uh-uh'.
In an interview with Cat Deeley and Ben Shephard on ITV's This Morning last week, You, Only Virtual Founder Justin Harrison spoke about the purpose behind his work:
‘My mum was dying… I couldn’t bear the thought of never being able to speak to her again. This felt like a way for me to stay connected… Technology should be able to do something like this… Isn’t there something more we could do about this feeling?'
It's confusing, powerful stuff. You can watch a short 90 second clip showcasing the technology and, in some ways even more insightful, you can read the comments from viewers, one of which compares the technology to visiting a medium, which I thought was absolutely fascinating.
I would love to know what you think about this technology. Could this be helpful? What are the risks? What are the opportunities? Is there something more we can and should be doing about 'this feeling'?
In addition to the short clip above, you can watch the full interview with reflections from a psychologist on the ITV website.
And thanks to Julie Thompson Dredge for spotting this story and sending it to me 🙏
Okay friends, until next time