Funerals can be long, exhausting and emotional days, especially if you are involved in organising it. For many people, they arrive at the day of the funeral with the sole aim of ‘getting through it'. That is entirely valid. Here we share some tips to help you take care of yourself on the day of the funeral - so you can get what you need out of the day.
Seven ways to take care of yourself on the day of a funeral
1. Take a moment to reflect before the day begins
If you can, taking a moment to pause and reflect in the morning can help you think about what this day means to you.
Poppy Mardall says, “at some point before you set out for the funeral, take a moment to ground yourself and remember this day. This experience is for you too.
“It can be easy to get caught up in other people's needs and expectations: will everything be okay? What will everyone think? This is normal. But you organised this funeral so that you could say goodbye. In amongst the busyness of the day, do make sure you get what you need too.”
2. Remember it's ok to go at your own pace
This can be hard to do when you’re running on adrenaline. But it’s important to remember that things don’t have to happen in a great rush.
Can you take a moment to gather yourself before you enter the funeral venue? Or give yourself permission to pause as you press the button for the curtains to close around the coffin?
Time permitting, your funeral director can support you with this. This can be particularly helpful if you think you may be nervous about greeting or talking to people on the day.
“Sometimes nerves are eased once you arrive at a funeral and start seeing people who care about you, and get hugs and words of support,” Poppy’s funeral director Hannah says. “However for others, these interactions can add stress to an already stressful situation. Chat through with your funeral director how you think you will feel, and they can help - for example, they can get you into the service space ahead of everyone else, or allow you to stay there a little longer after everyone has left, so you are mingling with others only when you are ready.”
3. Delegate!
Rebecca, Chief Operating Officer at Poppy’s said, “if you’re a natural organiser, like I am, it can be tempting to think you have to be responsible for running practical elements of the funeral, such as telling family and friends where to sit, co-ordinating the caterer at the wake or getting the flowers to the funeral. And while you can probably cope with doing them, it may stop you being able to be in the moment.”
A few ways to delegate include making sure you’re leaning on your funeral director and their team – that’s what we’re there for – as well as the hospitality team at the wake venue.
It can also be great to delegate some practical tasks to a friend or family member. Often people around you will be looking for ways to help, and this is a very tangible way they can support you.
4. Remember to breathe
A simple one, but if you are worried about being able to manage strong emotions on the day, you might look up some simple breathing exercises, such as box breathing. These can be very calming, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed. It can also help just to know you have a tool up your sleeve if you need it.
5. Carry something calming with you
It’s natural to have some nerves, or to anticipate feeling very emotional. Everyone feels differently in situations like this - but it can be helpful to bring something with you that can help calm you.
This will be different for everyone, but a few ideas include:
- Herbal anxiety support drops or pastilles to calm your nerves
- A scented roll-on with calming fragrances such as lavender, chamomile or rosemary
- Something small to fidget with, if you need to focus on something different for a moment
- Something that reminds you of the person who has died, like a photo or a memento.
6. If you’re giving a reading or eulogy, have someone on standby to support you
If you're worried about not being able to get through your eulogy or reading, ask someone to be on standby to step in if you're finding it too difficult. This could be a friend, family member or the celebrant or ceremony leader, if you're having one.
It can be good to tell the person exactly how you’d like them to help you – for example, do you want them to step in if you’re struggling, or simply stand with you for support? Sometimes just having a supportive presence beside you can be enough.
7. Can you let your emotions be what they are?
Many people go into a funeral trying to avoid crying at all costs – or feel a pressure to ‘stay positive’. But there is no shame in feeling emotional at a funeral. This can be an opportunity to express your feelings about this person and this grief.
This also applies if you’re feeling something other than sadness or grief. People sometimes express feeling guilty that there weren’t sadder or more emotional on the day of a funeral. Sometimes the stress and anticipation of the day make it hard to be in touch with your feelings.
Also, only you know your relationship to the person who has died. If you have mixed or complicated feelings about the person and their death, don’t pressure yourself to feel a certain way.
If you can, try to give yourself permission to feel what you feel - whatever that is.
Read more practical advice and guidance on what to do on the day of a funeral, or learn where you can go to find bereavement support.
If you’re ready to start organising a funeral, we’re here to help.