Why do death, grief and funerals generate friction and conflict?
Grief can be a very messy, tricky, unsettling, unhappy business.
There are so many factors that may feed into this: people may be experiencing trauma relating to the shock of a death, or from reliving the last few days where somebody might have been very distressed or in a lot of pain.
Other factors include the cost of funerals, which is not inconsiderable. Then there are people’s feelings about what they meant to the person who has died. You can even get competitiveness around whose grief is the most important, or who was the dead person’s favourite.
Death is also a wake-up call about our own mortality - particularly if, say, we've had a friend or relative who's died of cancer, and we ourselves have just been diagnosed with cancer.
When we’re dealing with overwhelming grief, stress and worry, we’re not always at our best in terms of how we communicate. We can say unhelpful things, and sometimes there can be a shortage of forgiveness on all sides!
What can people bear in mind to better communicate their needs and navigate conflict?
The key thing here is to look at the task in hand - to plan the funeral.
Just because you're in dispute with somebody doesn't mean that you can't offer some support at a human level. Ask yourselves, ‘can we step outside of our own conflicts and acknowledge that we're each grieving?’ Holding in mind the person who has died may bring perspective. You could try to imagine what they might hope for you now: to be coping, and perhaps even finding ways to support one another.
So much conflict is about people not feeling heard. If people feel that they have been deliberately excluded from the funeral arrangements it can generate conflict. Even though a relationship may have seemed very chaotic or seemingly remote to you, you never actually know about people's feelings, so do reach out. Be curious about what other people are thinking, and invite them to share with you – for example, ‘I thought lilies for the flowers, what do you think?’
If there’s been, for example, a difficult divorce or family interactions are very acrimonious, the bottom line is - do what you can. If the people involved in planning the funeral have been arguing with each other about something for years, they're not suddenly going to drop it; they may even view the death as an opportunity to ramp the conflict up again. But rehashing what's gone on in the past is rarely helpful at times like this.
And lastly, don’t expect things to be perfect - if things are a bit wonky here or there, it isn't necessarily going to ruin the day of the funeral - it is simply about coming together to remember this individual and what they meant to each of you.
What are some simple tools that people can try to navigate conflict during a time of grief?
Step away and count to ten
It may sound basic, but it is quite powerful when you need it - step away from what you’re doing and count to ten.
Use ‘I statements’
Phrase things so you're owning your feelings. For example, rather than saying, ‘it's your fault, because you didn’t visit our mother for five years before she died’, you might say ‘I often felt sad that you didn't visit’. The moment you start with ‘you’, the other person may feel defensive or under attack – so you're much less likely to get a favourable response.
Find a safe place to vent
Venting can be very helpful - you can share your feelings with friends who are not directly involved or may not even have known the person who died.
Try to be aware of your own feelings
If, for example, somebody blurts something out that you feel is very unfair, and you feel anger bubbling up, try to remember we can all behave badly when we're upset, distressed or angry. Breathe, step back and focus on the task in hand, and see if you can find a different time to process your feelings.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to the Samaritans
You can always go to the Samaritans if you feel really overwhelmed with what is going on. There are people who you can phone right now and say, ‘I'm feeling desperate’. Talk to them.
You can speak to Samaritans on 116 123.
Learn more about Relate at Family Action on their website.
Find more bereavement support resources here, or read this blog on how to have a lower cost funeral.
If you’re ready to start organising a funeral, we’re here to help.