When Catherine’s husband, Dave, received a terminal diagnosis, he told her he wanted to keep things simple when he died. We talked to Catherine about honouring his wishes through an unattended cremation – and the choices and personal touches that made it meaningful for Catherine and their family.
Can you tell us a bit about your husband, Dave?
Dave and I got married quite late, so he'd had a proper life before we got together.
Dave loved football; he was Welsh and loved Wales; and music was his absolute world.
He loved going to gigs, galleries and exploring new places on holiday.
Dave got diagnosed with cancer in 2017. We had a two-year-old and a three-month-old at the time. Initially, we were told that the caner was inoperable. Then they decided that they could do treatment, but it was a really rocky road. It was just treatment after treatment until the end of 2023, when they said there was nothing more they could do.
In his last months, Dave was just in bed, and he was really isolated. All the things that he loved were suddenly inaccessible to him. If we went out, he was in a wheelchair, and he couldn't sit in a car or taxi at all. He went from being such a positive person to trying to be positive but really struggling.
What went into your decision to have a Simple Cremation?
Dave didn’t want to discuss his funeral. Even when he got told there was no more treatment, I think he still hoped that something would come up. He did say he wanted the cheapest possible thing, and he didn't want any of us there.
I really couldn't imagine how that would work for me, or the kids, or his Mum and Dad. A funeral or a cremation - it's not just for the person who has died, it’s for you and your family, too.
I found out about Poppy’s through a friend. I got in touch with Poppy’s before Dave died because it was really worrying me. I spoke to Lily [one of Poppy’s Client Support Advisers], who was amazing. I must have been on the phone to her for about an hour, and she went through everything with me.
Lily gave me the options for a direct cremation like Dave had requested. She described Poppy’s Simple Cremation package, which included a visit with Dave in the Friends and Family Room at Poppy’s.
Lily talked about the fact that everything would happen on-site. The idea of just being able to go from the Friends and Family Room, up to Lambeth Crematorium within the same cemetery, was so important to us. Dave had been in so much pain during his life, and transport had been such a major issue, that I couldn't bear the thought of him being dragged around anymore.
I was able to show Dave the Poppy’s website and say “these are the people I'm thinking of”, and he approved it, in a way.
Later, when he died, Lily messaged me to say that Dave was safely in their care and to tell me a bit about how he was looking. With a long illness like Dave’s, you’ve gone from constantly checking on this person, checking in with their nurses, and monitoring how they are - then suddenly they die, and you can’t check on them anymore. So, getting that update from Lily was so comforting.
Can you tell us a bit about spending time with Dave in our Friends and Family Room, and decorating his coffin with your children?
From the moment we got there, it was just beautiful. The room is really warm, cosy and comfortable.
Dave had wanted a cardboard coffin, and it brought us to tears to see it, because it was so beautifully done and had a lovely wooden plaque on it.
We put some music on, and we were chatting, and we brought loads of colouring things and stickers for Dave's football team.
The kids were a bit nervous - they’re ten and eight - but they just started drawing straight away, and we followed their lead. We wrote little memories and drew pictures; the kids wrote jokes on the coffin. Something about the whole experience brought us all together - there was tears, but there was laughing as well.
Then the team said that we could take the coffin lid off if we wanted. Dave looked lovely. They'd shaved him like I asked and had done his hair nicely. You could tell it had all been done with such care.
My daughter, who's eight, decided to leave when we took the coffin lid off, but my son decided at the last minute to stay, and he coped well with seeing Dave.
The hour goes really quickly - you stand there for about 5 minutes going, “oh, my God, what do we do?!” But it's enough time. It was a lovely experience - very strange and very sad and happy and mind blowing, but I think it really helped.
Can you tell us a bit about your experience on the day of Dave’s cremation?
On the day, the Poppy’s team brought Dave out in the coffin that we had decorated. They handed out felt tips so that people who hadn't been there the day before were able to write a few messages on the coffin. The kids pointed out all the things that they'd done on the coffin. That was amazing, because it was their precious thing that they’d done for their dad.
We placed our hands on the coffin, and we were allowed to help lift him into the hearse. Then, we walked behind him, and he went straight into the crematorium.
The team never rushed us. I can’t state how important that was for us; the time they gave us, and the way they let us lift him into the vehicle. It was so important to us that, yes, we weren't having a traditional service, but we were with him for that last journey.
For a Simple Cremation we weren't treated simply at all, we were treated with such compassion. If somebody had described it to me, I would have worried that I was letting Dave down; but it was just right for the kind of person he was. It was respectful and authentic, and we were able to be ourselves.
Did you find it helpful to have a memorial at a different time?
A few weeks ago, we had a celebration for Dave. Having that party was brilliant because it made us remember all the stuff apart from his illness; he was a dad, he was a music fan, and he was a very thoughtful person.
Do you have any more advice for involving children in the process?
If you've got kids, you're going to need enough adults with you so that they can take the children out if they don't want to be in there or change their minds. We told the kids they could come out of the room at any point. I also suggest you take stuff to occupy them.
When I came to look around Poppy’s before Dave died, I took a video of the Friends and Family Room, and I showed that to the kids before they came so they could see where we would be going. I think that helped them understand what was going to happen.
Is there anything else you’d like to share?
It’s not related to Poppy’s, but for anyone going through something similar, I’d say that when you go to register the death, just be aware you're not going to be put in a separate room from the screaming babies and the people who are getting married. You do not expect this as a bereaved person, and it was quite a shock for me.
In addition – and Lily had prepared me for this - collecting your person’s ashes from the crematorium is quite a weird experience. When you go, ask yourself - are you going to be OK to get home on your own? You might want to take a quiet walk in the cemetery, or come back to Poppy’s, where you can just sit and take a breather before travelling home.
If anybody ever asked me for a recommendation for a funeral directors, I would just say Poppy’s without a shadow of a doubt. For me, Poppy’s made it bearable.
Thank you to Catherine for sharing her experience with us.
You can find out more about unattended cremations with Poppy’s here. If you’re ready to start organising a funeral, we’re here to help.
