Each year, Hospice UK spearheads Dying Matters Awareness Week (4 – 10 May). This campaign encourages communities to get talking about death and dying in whatever way, shape or form works for them. If you’d like to have better conversations with the people in your life about death and dying, here are some ideas that may help you get started.
Summary: to have better conversations about death and dying, try starting small – think ‘I’d love that song at my funeral – what about you?’. Try to be open-minded, listen and be prepared for the conversation to go in a direction you weren’t expecting. Don’t worry too much about knowing the ‘right’ thing to say - you’ll learn what language works best for you.
1. Start by reflecting on what it means to you
It can be useful to think about what matters to you when it comes to death and dying. For example, do you want to know what kind of funeral your parent, partner or friend would want? Do you want to talk about your own funeral wishes? Or perhaps you or someone around you has recently received a frightening health diagnosis, and it’s brought dying into a sharper perspective for you.
If you’re looking for a space to talk honestly about your own feelings about death, why not come along to a Death Café. There are informal, welcoming spaces to talk about death and dying without an agenda. Poppy’s runs Death Cafés in Tooting, Raynes Park and Sheen, with dates in Wimbledon coming soon.
Check out our events page to find the details of the next Death Cafés.
2. Start small
Sometimes, an informal setting can help facilitate deeper conversation. For example, it can be easier to chat about challenging things on a walk or in the car than when sitting across from one another. Starting small can also help you gauge how open people are to talking about death and dying.
Music, film and art can be gentle conversation starters. You may want to share a song or a passage from a book that you’d like at your own funeral and ask if this is something they’ve thought about.
Of course, you can also be more direct if you think that will work well for the person you’re talking to. There’s no ‘right’ way to get the conversation started, it really depends on the person and what you think suits them.
Arrange a free 45-minute My Funeral Wishes consultation with Poppy’s.
3. Show that you’re up for talking
Many people don’t bring up death and dying out of concern for upsetting other people. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk about it. Showing you’re open to talking about death and dying can help give others permission to talk.
This can be particularly valuable for someone who is grieving a death. It may be that no-one has asked them recently how they are getting on. If you don’t know it, ask them their person’s name. Ask if they’d like to tell you more about them.
It’s understandable to be afraid of saying ‘the wrong thing’ – but many grieving people would far prefer someone try, then not to mention it at all.
4. Be prepared for the conversation to take a direction you weren’t expecting
Death and dying can bring up complex feelings. Be aware that if you open a discussion, it could go in unexpected directions – you could find your conversation partner talking about a topic like euthanasia, or sharing their regrets related to a death or grief from years ago.
Try to listen openly and have curiosity about what they are sharing. It may not be the conversation you were expecting – but you can always try again another time, especially now that you’ve opened to the door to this kind of talk.
5. Find the language that works for you
We all use different language to talk about death and dying. Much of it is euphemistic – such as ‘passed away’, or ‘loss’.
Here at Poppy’s, we prefer to use simple, straightforward language because we believe it ultimately makes it easier to talk about.
That being said, it’s also ok to mirror other people’s language if that will make them more comfortable and it helps support a good conversation. With practice, you’ll find the language that works for you.
Though it may seem scary at first - and it’s certainly not always easy - talking about death can be surprisingly empowering.
Many people experience it as a relief when death is acknowledged. And by starting a conversation about dying, you are helping to normalise talking about it.
Arrange a free 45-minute My Funeral Wishes consultation with Poppy’s.