Hello and welcome to Life Lessons from Death, a newsletter for people and organisations curious to know what death can teach us about living and working well.
In our professional and personal lives, change is a constant and endings are a part of life. We can fight this – and lots of us try to - or we can learn to ride it. If we can ride it, we will find that every ending holds the seeds of something new, the chance to learn and grow.
As Founder of London funeral directors Poppy's, I’ve had more than a decade of insights from death, and it has transformed me. Now I want to invite you behind the scenes so you can learn too.
This week, I'm arguing for cultural change as an antidote to abuse, I'm flying the flag for suicide prevention and I'm exploring how talking together can relieve the pressure of working daily with grief and death.
I post updates fortnightly so please do subscribe and share widely.
The antidote to abuse? Yes regulation, but also cultural change
Every month or so, a friend will call me and say something along the lines of, 'have you seen the horrendous news story about the funeral director who...?' These stories are interchangeable: poor or abusive care of the dead and/or grieving people getting ripped off. It is upsetting, depressing and frustrating to hear what is happening out there, when good care and service for the living and the dead can and should be the norm, accessible to all.
I'm not going to share last week's story - it's traumatic and miserable and I don't think the details help solve the problem. Instead, I want to tell you what can be done about it.
First, obviously, regulation, regulation, regulation. It is a huge surprise to most people to find out there is currently no systematic oversight of funeral directors. And wherever you find vulnerable people and no oversight, abuse will happen. We know this. We’ve seen this historically in schools, childrens’ homes, care homes, religious institutions: whenever we put vulnerable people apart from society, and no one looks or checks, bad things happen.
So statutory regulation is urgently needed, and it will lead to better minimum standards for everyone, which is great.
But it will take SO MUCH MORE than statutory regulation to raise standards to where they could and should be: for great care and service to be accessible to everyone and to be considered normal.
For that to happen, we need cultural change. We need to think of caring for the dead and supporting grieving people as something that everyone takes an interest in, because it's important. This is a movement, not something that gets fixed by one organisation in one moment. But to highlight what's possible, check out and follow some of these initiatives:
Hospice UK's #Dying Matters campaign which works to create an open culture where people feel comfortable talking about death, dying and grief.
Ongoing work by bereavement charities like Cruse Bereavement Support and Winston's Wish to highlight what great bereavement support looks like.
Educational and experiential organisations like Good Grief Festival and The Good Grief Project which put on year round events to help people better understand their own grief, and also support each other.
Funeral directors inviting the public to see what is possible, and to talk. In the next two months at Poppy's, we are putting on three public events, all free and open to everyone. Our Open Afternoon on Wednesday 15 October at 2pm is an opportunity to come behind the scenes, talk to the team, hear about our approach and ask any and all questions. We're holding two Death Cafes: one in Sheen on Thursday 18 September, 10-11.30am and one in Tooting on Thursday 23 October, 10.30am-12pm.
Follow the work of others working with death and bereavement to raise standards and expectations of what is possible and should be normal, including A Natural Undertaking, Full Circle, Funerals Your Way | Certified B Corp, John Adams, Dr Emma Clare, Louise Fenton nee Brook, Victoria Keen and many others.
Talking openly about death, dying and funerals, getting interested, getting others interested: all of this will challenge anyone involved with the dead and grieving people to do better.
One day it will be normal for me to get regular calls from people who will say, 'did you hear about that amazing funeral director providing phenomenal care? We were blown away by how supportive they were.' Then I'll rest easy.
I know I've missed people and organisations who are doing great work. Please tag them here!
Suicide prevention
Firstly a content warning. This post relates to suicide.
Next Wednesday 10 September is World Suicide Prevention Day because research shows that suicide can be prevented with the right support and early intervention.
One of the best things I ever did was volunteer for Samaritans in the early 2000s. I found the work meaningful and impactful, and their training and peer support set the tone for what I wanted to be normal when I founded Poppy's.
And over the last fifteen years, we at Poppy's have cared for many people who have ended their own lives, and we have supported many family, friends and communities who have been impacted.
What have I learned from these experiences?
It doesn’t help for suicide to be taboo. We know we have to be careful how and when we talk about suicide because doing so insensitively can exacerbate suicidal feelings. In fact, Samaritans have some excellent guidance for talking safely. But talking openly is the path to prevention and there are kind, open, honest ways to have this conversation and support people when they need it. There are also ways to have meaningful funerals for people who have died this way, to acknowledge the reality of what has happened and to support one another through it.
It doesn't just happen to other people. Many of us know someone who ended their life. As a society we are getting more honest about this. Evidence suggests one in five of us will have suicidal thoughts at some point. This is not a case of some of us being the helpers and others needing the help. We can all support each other to prevent suicidal feelings turning into the end of someone's life.
Grief after suicide is complex - for family, friends and community. Grief is always complicated but this loss can be especially difficult and painful. Cruse Bereavement Support has some helpful, compassionate information here to support.
There are some great organisations working on support and intervention for people considering ending their lives. Check them out here:
Samaritans run volunteer training or you can donate here. If you need support, Samaritans' free service is available 24/7 on 116 123.
PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide works to prevent suicide and promote positive mental health. Donate here or book a suicide prevention training session here.
The mission of Campaign Against Living Miserably is to help people end their misery, not their lives. You can get support here and donate here.
Again, please do tag organisations and people working on suicide prevention. I'd be really grateful.
Talking it out
A couple of weeks ago, I joined one of the Poppy's reflection sessions, where we gather together as a team to talk about the emotional realities of our work. Poppy’s runs these sessions, facilitated by a wonderful counsellor, as one of a number of resources the team can lean on to support their wellbeing. We have a culture of debriefing at Poppy's and it's normal to hear this happening day to day, but our work can be busy and we need a dedicated, protected time to talk.
Interestingly, it's not for everyone. Not everyone wants or appreciates this way of decompressing. One of my colleagues put it nicely. 'I know this format doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me.'
The thing that stood out for me about attending: after fifteen years, there are stories that when I talk about them, no matter how many years have passed, I start to cry. And recognising I’m not in these sessions to change that. Perhaps it's strange to say, but I'm partly glad how some of those past experiences continue to touch me. Some of what we deal with is big and heavy. Those experiences are worthy of tears.
What do others working in the field of wellbeing at work think about this? What part does talking play in a wider conversation about how we support ourselves and each other, particularly those of us who do emotionally demanding work? If you had thoughts on this Venetia Leigh, Andrea Woodside, Max St John, Darlene Mazeau, Jessica Shiel, Fionna Bailey, I'd love to hear them.
Okay friends, until next time.