When Andy’s mother Hilary died, he wanted to organise a funeral that was simple yet personal, and expressed his mum’s joyful nature and love of colour. Andy talked to us about the choices he made for his mum’s funeral, choosing a celebrant and involving his children in the service.
If you had to describe your mum in three words, what words come to mind?
Very loving, very forceful in many respects, and surprising – she wasn’t typical for a woman of her generation and background.
Apart from occasionally in her later years, my mum was a really happy, silly person. She loved flowers and gardening and loved to spoil the people she cared about. She was the best example of a mother, a mother-in-law and a grandmother that we could have hoped for.
Would you share a little about the choices you made for your mum's service?
Mum’s was the first funeral I'd ever had to organise, so I didn't know what might be involved.
I wanted to keep it relatively simple. Hannah at Poppy’s was great at guiding me in what to think about, but not directing me or restricting me in any regard.
I wanted mum’s love of colour to be reflected, so I decided right from the start it wasn't going to be formal dress.
It also didn’t seem necessary to me to have the formality of professional bearers bringing mum in, so instead, we had the casket placed in the chapel beforehand.
Mum did go to church in later life, but I think she did so more for the social aspect rather than having any firm beliefs, and I've got none whatsoever, so we kept it simple by just including the Lord's Prayer.
Obitus, the company who set up the music and visuals for the tribute, did a fantastic job in terms of sourcing the music we wanted and blending different extracts into a 3-minute slideshow. That worked beautifully.
How did you prepare your mum’s eulogy?
I'm an only child, so there wasn't anyone else with the knowledge of mum’s family history.
It was first a question of putting down some key events, and what they might have led to. I wrote about her having been adopted; her volunteering at the local children’s home and the young boy there who inspired my own name, Andrew; and later, her marrying at the age of 40.
When it came to mum’s later life, my wife had more things to suggest; her and my mum had a very warm, close relationship.
I thought I’d get too emotional to do the full eulogy at the funeral, so I gave a brief introduction and then left it to our celebrant Tim to deliver it. I can't imagine anyone doing it better - he just seemed to give the eulogy my voice.
How did you go about selecting a celebrant?
I didn't want a traditional religious service, but from what I understood, a humanist celebrant wouldn't be able to include any religious elements at all, and we wanted to include the Lord’s Prayer. We needed someone who was happy to have a blended approach.
Hannah came up with a couple of recommendations. There’s a lot of celebrants out there - it can be quite daunting. Having Hannah suggesting a couple of options really helped.
One of them was Tim, and he came to our house to meet me and my wife. He just seemed like a very approachable, friendly guy.
Your daughter spoke at your mum’s service. How did you approach talking to your children about being involved?
My grandfather, Hilary’s father, died when I was 12. I was away on a German exchange; when I came back, he’d gone and the funeral had happened. It took me decades to get over that. I didn't want that to be the case with my children.
Knowing how close my daughter Izzie had been with mum in particular, I asked her if she would like to be included, and I gave her plenty of time to think about it. I told her it didn’t matter if, on the day, she didn’t feel able to do it, but she did it.
I'm very glad that Izzie had the opportunity to say what she wanted. In her address she said, ‘my granny lived her life fiercely – it was always the quality I admired most in her.’ It was great getting her perspective on my mum.
Is there anything else you’d like to share?
After the funeral, I thought there’d be some element of closure; then I thought, “oh, maybe it'll be after collecting my mum's ashes”. But it's yet to happen. I still get surprised by thoughts and feelings, completely out of the blue. It's been much more affecting than I was expecting.
It's not easy.
I think Poppy's made it as easy as it could be.
Thank you to Andy for sharing his experience with us.
Explore a range of bereavement resources here, or read our advice for writing and delivering a eulogy.
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